How to Know If You're in a Toxic Relationship — And How to Get Out
“Kick the Habit” : Digital collage by Natalie
How Can You Develop an Addiction to Toxic Relationships?
An addiction is anything you can use to avoid facing yourself or feeling your emotions.
Our current culture provides so many opportunities for addiction. Common ways we avoid ourselves are:
Food
Alcohol
Drugs
Sex
Shopping
Exercising
Gambling
Perfectionism
Striving to be “in control”
Toxic relationships can be addictive because:
They are so exciting! This is especially true if you got really good at managing chaos growing up in a dysfunctional family. You can feel right at home in the midst of managing one relationship crisis after the other. You might even feel more nervous when things seem calm, and you start wondering what’s about to go wrong.
Sunken cost bias. You’ve already sunk so much of your time, energy, love, and attention into this relationship, that it’s really hard to let it go without getting anything close to the outcome you dreamed of. You don’t want to tell yourself that you wasted your time, so you keep sticking around and trying to make everything you’ve given “worth it.” Just like a compulsive gambler betting his house on the roulette wheel, you imagine you’ll get everything you’ve ever wanted on the next roll of the dice.
Dependence. It feels secure to imagine that you need each other. He’s controlling of you, and you’re obsessed with him — so before you know it, he’s your only source of comfort. You’ve pulled away from relationships with friends and family. You’ve stopped doing things you used to enjoy. He’s the only hit of pleasure you ever get, so you keep hitting him up. You hope he’ll say how much he loves you, and admit that you were right, so that you can finally feel better.
Guilt. You think about all the things you’ve done wrong in the relationship, and you convince yourself that he’s actually really sweet for sticking around with someone as terrible as you. You tell yourself (or he tells you) that no one else would take you. You imagine how broken up he would be if you left. You don’t want to hurt him. The worse you feel, the more you crave something to make you feel better — And the only thing you use to make yourself feel better is him.
Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
The more time you spend together, the worse you feel about yourself
You wake up worrying — about the fight you got into last night, about whether he’s going to cheat on you, about what you’re going to do wrong to set him off today
The harder you try, the worse he treats you
You try to make each other feel bad “to prove a point”
You keep telling yourself you’re going to leave, but you stay — and you don’t know why
Emotional Abuse
Name-calling
Contempt and being condescending — “You’re just like your mother”
Saying things that he knows will hurt you, for the sole purpose of hurting you
Playing the victim and blaming you for his bad behavior. He says it’s “your fault” when he cheats, calls you names, or puts a hole in the wall with his fist
Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse
I’ve been through several toxic relationships.
I felt brokenhearted, and unsupported by the people around me, and I thought I would never be okay again.
I want to tell you some of what I have learned in my healing journey.
Gaslighting
Some people use the term “gaslighting” to mean “you made me doubt myself. You lied to me so much that you distorted my sense of reality. Now I don’t know what’s true anymore.”
I don’t believe this is a helpful way to look at it, because that means that you are a victim and always will be susceptible to being victimized. If you say that someone else has the power to change your experience of reality, then there’s not much you can put your faith or trust in ever again.
I prefer the route of taking responsibility for my part, because that puts me in charge — Which is great, because it means I can trust myself and trust the world again.
My past doesn’t have to define my future.
I’m responsible for what happens to me.
(I didn’t make him treat me that way to begin with, but I am responsible for how I respond — and whether I reward his bad behavior.)
Rather than saying, “you gaslighted me,” I might say:
“I made your truth more important than mine.”
“I had a feeling that what you were telling me wasn’t right, but I ignored it.”
“I refused to see the red flags because I was so invested in my dream scenario coming true.”
“I defended you to people who said you were no good for me.”
“I lied to myself because I didn’t know what I would do if I saw reality for what it was.”
“I am responsible for whether or not I listen to my own intuition and inner knowing. I won’t give that up to anyone else ever again.”
It can be really painful at first to acknowledge your part in what happened, but ultimately it can be so empowering and healing.
Which story would you rather carry?
“People can lie to me, and there’s nothing I can do it about it. I can never trust anyone or myself.”
Or
“People can only lie to me if I agree to lie to myself. Now that I know how painful that was, I will do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen in the future. I refuse to lie to myself or let others lie to me. Even if I can’t trust every person on the planet, I can trust myself. As long as I am rigorously honest and on my own side, I will be able to tell the difference between a trustworthy and an untrustworthy person. I can and will take care of myself.”
Calling Your Ex a Horrible Person
He cheated on me, and I was so hurt and angry about it for such a long time after we broke up.
For years, I told myself that he was a horrible person.
And I’ve only recently realized how much that held me back from healing.
The longer I told myself he was really bad, the longer I felt really bad about myself.
The problem with calling an ex a horrible person (or a “narcissist”) is that any negativity you throw toward him inherently reflects back on you.
If he’s a horrible person, what does that say about you?
That you would choose to date someone like that…
That you would stay with him…
That you would let someone do something like that to you…
You must be pretty horrible, to attract someone so horrible…
You must not value yourself, to let something like that happen to you…
You must have pretty low standards…
You must be blind… or desperate…
Did he ever really love you? Were you lying to yourself about that, too? Do you not know what love is?
Will you ever be able to find love, if you settled for fake love for so long?
Is there something unlovable about you?
What did you do to deserve that?
What a maddening line of thinking!
If you call him bad, then you’re also calling yourself bad by default.
I discovered something that allowed me to find some freedom.
It was a lot easier for me to heal when I finally learned to see him as a hurting person, rather than a bad one.
The Case for Seeing Your Ex as a Hurting Person, Rather Than a Bad One
There is a saying that “hurt people hurt people.” In other words, “People who are hurting often unconsciously hurt others in the process of trying to decrease their own pain.”
So you might think back on your time together, and ponder: What evidence do you have to support the idea that he is deeply wounded, and was using whatever means possible to decrease his pain — rather than trying to use or hurt you in a malicious way?
They say it’s not a good idea to try to save someone who is drowning unless you have a very sturdy life raft, because that person will push you under so that they can get a breath.
It’s not because they’re selfish, or broken, or narcissistic.
It’s because they’re in such immense pain and suffering that the survival instinct kicks in, and the body starts running the show in whatever manner will guarantee living to see another day.
Maybe, if you let him be a hurting person, then you could be a person who thought you could help someone who was hurting — and you ended up finding out that you couldn’t — but that’s okay, because you survived, and you’re taking away some solid skills for setting healthy boundaries in the future and reserving your connection for people who are already whole.
If there’s something wrong with him, then there has to be something wrong with you for dating someone like that.
But if there’s nothing wrong with him, then there’s nothing wrong with you, either. We’re all hurting and trying to find our way.
And it still absolutely makes sense to set boundaries wherever you feel they are most useful.
Don’t Let “He’s Just Hurting” Be an Excuse for Putting Up with Bad Behavior
I think the word “narcissist” is so popular right now because we’re not taught to have healthy boundaries, and the only time we will give ourselves permission to cut someone off is if we decide they are a “bad person.”
What if it was okay for us to cut someone off, even if they weren’t a bad person?
So many women operate with the unhelpful belief that, “If I can help, then I should help.”
This leads to believing that I “should” continue to pour myself into a relationship — even if I’m not getting anything satisfactory in return — as long as he’s a “good person.”
You might have used the idea that, “He’s just hurting” as an excuse to justify violating your own boundaries.
“Oh, he’s just hurting… He doesn’t mean it… I’ll stick around… He’ll change soon… It isn’t that bad… I can handle it… It’s not as bad as it used to be…”
We have a story that we can — and should — fix or save a “good person” who is “simply hurting.”
We will only allow ourselves to walk away if we decide he is a “bad person” after all.
The truth is, if you’re in a toxic relationship…
You are using him to avoid facing yourself in the same way that he is using you to avoid facing himself.
You’re looking for a gold star or a blue ribbon that says you’re a good person and that all your efforts were worthwhile.
You’re using him (and what you do for him) to feel good about yourself.
It might be a little hypocritical to call him a narcissist because of the agreement you both made to use the other person to feel better.
And just as we can give him grace — allowing him to be a good person, even though he used you — we can also give you grace — allowing you to be a good person, even though you used him.
Because, in reality, you are both doing exactly what you were trained to do.
You were raised to act this way in relationships.
It isn’t your fault.
Almost without exception, we are all taught to believe:
Your happiness depends on what other people do and say
You should always put other people’s wants, needs, and preferences before your own
It is selfish of you to make choices based on your own happiness
If you love someone, you will pour all of your energy into the relationship, even if it means being exhausted and having nothing left for yourself
If you love him, you will help him to reach the potential that only you see in him, even if he goes kicking and screaming the whole way
If you can make someone else happy, then your life will have meaning, and only then are you allowed to be happy
Your training isn’t your fault. You were doing what you thought would make you both the happiest.
Only now that you have realized your training isn’t serving you, do you have a responsibility to change it if you don’t like it.
You could start your healing journey by investing in more positive and realistic beliefs about yourself and your relationships, like:
You cannot fix or save any person, regardless of whether you judge him to be “good” or “bad”
Your desire to focus on this other person is motivated by your fear of facing yourself
Avoiding yourself by focusing on another person is not helpful to either of you
You do not need to provide any kind of help in order to be worthy of good things
If you’re not having a good time, you are allowed to say “no” and walk away at any time
There is nothing wrong with you if you want to break up with a good person who is hurting
You do not need a “good reason,” like, “He can’t be helped,” in order to walk away
Your enjoyment of your life matters, and is a good enough reason to choose whatever path you think will best support your happiness
What Is So Hard About Breaking Free from a Toxic Relationship?
Facing yourself. You would be presented with the opportunity to face yourself and work on your own problems. Your mind might tell you that it’s impossible or would be too overwhelming for you.
Admitting you don’t have the answers. You might realize you don’t know how to fix yourself, and that’s a helpless feeling of being out of control. It’s hard to say you don’t know how to begin or what to do, because for your whole life, everyone has always looked to you to fix things. It’s so much a part of how you see yourself that you don’t know who you would be without your Superwoman cape.
Fearing disappointment. You’ve been telling yourself for a long time that fixing yourself is too hard, and you can’t do it. You don’t want to try, and fail, and be hard on yourself for not being able to.
Facing judgment. You’ve been told for so long that your value and worth is in what you provide to other people. If you’re not giving your life to some ‘project,’ and instead take time to work on your own life, you worry you’ll be seen as “selfish.”
Practicing pleasure. Your mind has been trained by a highly judgmental and fearful society to focus on problems. Everywhere you look, you see something that needs to be fixed. You don’t know how to interact with someone without trying to help them in some way. You don’t know how to relax and have fun.
How to Break Free
Do you remember how hard you tried to sell yourself on the idea that the toxic relationship was good for you, and that he was changing, and that you would get your happily ever after in the end?
You’ve got to work that hard (or harder) selling yourself on the idea that you are worthy of your own time, energy, and attention.
There are some beliefs that many women have found helpful:
You are worthy of happiness, peace, and respect — from yourself and others.
You do not need to “do” anything in particular to earn your value.
You are no better and no worse than any other human on the planet. If you stay in your own lane and focus on your own intentions, you can create a truly stellar life for yourself.
Healing is not easy, and that’s okay. Look at what you’ve been through! You’re really great at doing things that are not easy.
You might not know how to have fun and prioritize yourself right now, but you can learn.
You are allowed to be nice to yourself no matter what anyone else says or does around you.
Self-care is not selfish.
These beliefs are not going to feel natural and easy to believe at first.
It is not the belief’s job to sell you on how true it is.
If you want to enjoy your life, you need to put in the work to change your thinking.
I’m sure you could find evidence to support the idea that you are broken and unworthy — because you have already rehearsed finding that evidence.
What might you find if you took the time to search for evidence to support the idea that…
You are valuable exactly as you are
You can trust yourself and your own sense of things
The universe has your back
No matter what has happened in the past, you can make your future whatever you want it to be
Your darkest times will become your greatest treasures as you take what you have learned and help others to heal by sharing it
If you’d like some help changing your thinking, reach out and let me know.
We’ll work on helping you learn to:
Enjoy your life
Respect yourself (and teach others to respect you)
Attract fulfilling relationships
Turn your mess into your message, and help others get through what you’ve gone through