Looking for Deeper Connection and Sexual Passion? Find Out How to Make “Love Worth Making”
"Happy” : Digital collage by Natalie
I want to talk with you about the key takeaway practice from this fantastic book:
Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship
This is an excellent read if you’re in a long-term monogamous relationship and want to deepen your intimacy with your partner over time.
I wouldn’t recommend it if I hadn’t tried the strategies in the book in my own relationship and found them very helpful!
I especially loved the audiobook. It’s read by the author, and he’s super entertaining.
It all comes down to…
The Two-Step
The most important concept is the two-step.
It can help you and your partner if y’all:
Feel emotionally disconnected from each other
Don’t feel safe enough to have sex or open up emotionally
Haven’t had sex in a long time, or don’t have sex as often as you want
Feel really stale-mated
Get fixated on having an orgasm and don’t have a good time without it
So, what is the two-step?
Step 1: Spend time together in bed, doing nothing in particular.
Talk about whatever, but keep it simple. Don’t bring up big issues that y’all disagree about.
You could also enjoy being quiet and mindful.
Preferably, y’all hang out together naked — but do whatever feels most comfortable.
If arousal happens, just enjoy it. Don’t act on it.
As you practice this over time and y’all start to feel more comfortable with each other, you could talk about the arousal if it gets really intense.
Step 2: Have Sex (sometimes, eventually)
As your emotional intimacy grows, your comfort with and desire for physical intimacy likely will grow as well.
Lying together naked in bed, just talking — you might find yourself getting aroused.
Don’t try to stoke the arousal.
Stay with it. Be mindful of it.
Feel it in your body. Appreciate it.
If you don’t rush it or overcrowd it with your expectations, you may find that it’s harder to resist having sex — as opposed to the old way, which might have involved making yourself have sex.
When you don’t force anything… When you’re totally present to all the sensations…
You can let the arousal carry you.
Some couples practice Step 1 for days, weeks, or months before they feel comfortable enough to relax and start having sex again.
Our “sexual self” is a lot like a two-year-old. It wants what it wants — without a lot of pressure!
With that in mind, this practice works best when you can…
Let go of expectations about how the conversation will go, or whether you’ll have sex
Have fun and be curious
Set it up so that you feel safe and in control
Take your time and enjoy yourself!
“Desire comes and goes many times over the course of a long-term erotic relationship. During times when you don’t feel desire for your partner, the most important thing to remember is not to freak out.
You can’t control desire any more than you can control the whims of a child. The secret to good sex in a long-lasting relationship is to sanctify the erotic moment by paying attention to it in all its variety, without judgment.
Desire is seldom all-or-none. Sometimes you will feel highly aroused together, and sometimes your arousal may be no more than a faint whisper.
Sometimes it’s a matter of nurturing that whisper until it's a healthy shout.”
— Stephen Snyder
Want more support in reinvigorating your sex life?
Let’s talk! I work with couples like you to help you:
Reconnect with your partner
Embody a sense of worthiness to receive good things
Use pleasure to level up your enjoyment of all areas of your life